Facing the fear

I'm okay, at least I thnk I am. If you've read my blogs, you know my husband and I went to Boston last year to run the marathon. We got 3/4 of a mile from the finish before we were stopped because of events at the finish line. If you haven't, I have 2 or 3 posts about that event. Initially, I was okay. I had a few days when I wasn't and then I was okay again. I have had a few events over the last 11 months that have triggered some anxiety from the Boston Marathon. One was reading the June or July issue of Runner's World. I blogged about that. Now, as the Boston Marathon approaches this year and we are getting closer to going back, I find myself getting anxious. The events of April 15, 2013 do not usually affect my daily life. I'm so grateful for that. 

As April 21, 2014 approaches, it is becoming more and more obvious that I have to face my fears. Boston is so far away that I may never have had to deal with my emotions; however, the finish line and the euphoria of running to it were stolen from me. I think something else was taken from me that day too. The only way I'll ever get whatever "it" was back, is to go back and finish. Honestly, I don't really want to go. I have to leave my kids and the timing is hard and I haven't really gotten to run and train like I'd like to have. But I recognize I have to go back. As long as I'm here, I don't have to deal with things but to truly be "whole" again, I do. I need to go back. I need to be in Boston. I need to walk the finish line. I need to finish. I don't want to and I am terrified of the emotions that may surface. 

My oldest daughter doesn't want us to go back. She's scared that we'll have a repeat of last year. My argument to her is that Boston will never be safer than it will be this year. I believe that. The BAA is really cracking down on security. And not just with the spectators. They are really scrutinizing the runners and what will be allowed and what won't and the like. The Boston Marathon will be safe this year. My fear is my feelings. 

But, I refuse to live in fear. If I do, I surrender more of myself to people who already stole so much from so many. I won't let that happen. I will take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and board that plane. I will walk the streets of Boston, cross that finsih line and deal with my emotions. I will face my fears  And I will come home a stronger woman because of it. 

Runners the world over will unite on April 21, 2014 in Boston and all over the world, just like we did shortly after Boston last year and have been doing over the passed year. We will be one in purpose, mind and heart. We are strong. We are runners. 

Too much time NOT running

When I first took time off from running to heal my foot, I didn't spend much time thnking about running. People used to ask me all the time why I run and my response has always been because I loved it. When pressed for a slightly deeper reason, I would respond with things like I wanted to set a good example for my family or that it makes me a better mom, wife, and person. With my very long break, I have had to take a deeper look at why I run and why I'm fighting so hard to get it back. 

All of my previous reasons are still accurate. I do run to set a good example, to be a better mom, wife, and person, and because I love it. I've discovered just how much I reallly love running. I am literally crazy jealous when I'm driving down the road and I see someone running (spring is in full bloom here so the road is FULL with runners all the time!). My heart hurts because I miss it so much. My forced break has made me discover why running is so important tot me. When I first started running, I was just doing it because I could, not out of love. The feeling you get when you train for a race and then cross the finishline was a bonus. But when I first started running, I ran by myself. Initially I ran listening to music but I quickly grew tired of my music. After that, I started running with just my thoughts. Let me back up further, 

I got married when I was 19. I was in love and the time was right, but I was young. We got pregnant right away, our oldest being born 10 days early on our nine-month wedding anniversary. We didn't want too big a break between our children so we had our children close. Our oldest went to kindergarten two weeks after our baby was born. I do not regret any of my decisions. I stand by them. However, somewhere during becoming a wife and then mother to four children, I lost me. I was so busy being a mom and taking care of my family, I didn't know who I was anymore. I was unsure of my likes, my dreams, my goals. Fast forward a couple of years to my hours and miles of training. I found me. I re-discovered me and my likes and my goals. I was amazed to discover that my goals had changed from the last time I had really taken the time to evaluate my goals. When I was younger, "fun" and "run" would never have been associated with each other. Now they were synonomis. 

Because I found myself running, and I liked who I found, I have held so tightly to it. These last five months have been so difficult.  I have cried and pouted and been slightly depressed.  But re-evaluating why I run has ignited a fire within me and a deep desire to fight and fight hard.  I will continue to fight to keep myself running and thankfully, my physical therapist and ASTYM will eventually get me back. 

Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you a chasng your dreams and goals and I look forward to you coming back again soon.