Facing the fear

I'm okay, at least I thnk I am. If you've read my blogs, you know my husband and I went to Boston last year to run the marathon. We got 3/4 of a mile from the finish before we were stopped because of events at the finish line. If you haven't, I have 2 or 3 posts about that event. Initially, I was okay. I had a few days when I wasn't and then I was okay again. I have had a few events over the last 11 months that have triggered some anxiety from the Boston Marathon. One was reading the June or July issue of Runner's World. I blogged about that. Now, as the Boston Marathon approaches this year and we are getting closer to going back, I find myself getting anxious. The events of April 15, 2013 do not usually affect my daily life. I'm so grateful for that. 

As April 21, 2014 approaches, it is becoming more and more obvious that I have to face my fears. Boston is so far away that I may never have had to deal with my emotions; however, the finish line and the euphoria of running to it were stolen from me. I think something else was taken from me that day too. The only way I'll ever get whatever "it" was back, is to go back and finish. Honestly, I don't really want to go. I have to leave my kids and the timing is hard and I haven't really gotten to run and train like I'd like to have. But I recognize I have to go back. As long as I'm here, I don't have to deal with things but to truly be "whole" again, I do. I need to go back. I need to be in Boston. I need to walk the finish line. I need to finish. I don't want to and I am terrified of the emotions that may surface. 

My oldest daughter doesn't want us to go back. She's scared that we'll have a repeat of last year. My argument to her is that Boston will never be safer than it will be this year. I believe that. The BAA is really cracking down on security. And not just with the spectators. They are really scrutinizing the runners and what will be allowed and what won't and the like. The Boston Marathon will be safe this year. My fear is my feelings. 

But, I refuse to live in fear. If I do, I surrender more of myself to people who already stole so much from so many. I won't let that happen. I will take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and board that plane. I will walk the streets of Boston, cross that finsih line and deal with my emotions. I will face my fears  And I will come home a stronger woman because of it. 

Runners the world over will unite on April 21, 2014 in Boston and all over the world, just like we did shortly after Boston last year and have been doing over the passed year. We will be one in purpose, mind and heart. We are strong. We are runners.