Facing the fear

I'm okay, at least I thnk I am. If you've read my blogs, you know my husband and I went to Boston last year to run the marathon. We got 3/4 of a mile from the finish before we were stopped because of events at the finish line. If you haven't, I have 2 or 3 posts about that event. Initially, I was okay. I had a few days when I wasn't and then I was okay again. I have had a few events over the last 11 months that have triggered some anxiety from the Boston Marathon. One was reading the June or July issue of Runner's World. I blogged about that. Now, as the Boston Marathon approaches this year and we are getting closer to going back, I find myself getting anxious. The events of April 15, 2013 do not usually affect my daily life. I'm so grateful for that. 

As April 21, 2014 approaches, it is becoming more and more obvious that I have to face my fears. Boston is so far away that I may never have had to deal with my emotions; however, the finish line and the euphoria of running to it were stolen from me. I think something else was taken from me that day too. The only way I'll ever get whatever "it" was back, is to go back and finish. Honestly, I don't really want to go. I have to leave my kids and the timing is hard and I haven't really gotten to run and train like I'd like to have. But I recognize I have to go back. As long as I'm here, I don't have to deal with things but to truly be "whole" again, I do. I need to go back. I need to be in Boston. I need to walk the finish line. I need to finish. I don't want to and I am terrified of the emotions that may surface. 

My oldest daughter doesn't want us to go back. She's scared that we'll have a repeat of last year. My argument to her is that Boston will never be safer than it will be this year. I believe that. The BAA is really cracking down on security. And not just with the spectators. They are really scrutinizing the runners and what will be allowed and what won't and the like. The Boston Marathon will be safe this year. My fear is my feelings. 

But, I refuse to live in fear. If I do, I surrender more of myself to people who already stole so much from so many. I won't let that happen. I will take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and board that plane. I will walk the streets of Boston, cross that finsih line and deal with my emotions. I will face my fears  And I will come home a stronger woman because of it. 

Runners the world over will unite on April 21, 2014 in Boston and all over the world, just like we did shortly after Boston last year and have been doing over the passed year. We will be one in purpose, mind and heart. We are strong. We are runners. 

Too much time NOT running

When I first took time off from running to heal my foot, I didn't spend much time thnking about running. People used to ask me all the time why I run and my response has always been because I loved it. When pressed for a slightly deeper reason, I would respond with things like I wanted to set a good example for my family or that it makes me a better mom, wife, and person. With my very long break, I have had to take a deeper look at why I run and why I'm fighting so hard to get it back. 

All of my previous reasons are still accurate. I do run to set a good example, to be a better mom, wife, and person, and because I love it. I've discovered just how much I reallly love running. I am literally crazy jealous when I'm driving down the road and I see someone running (spring is in full bloom here so the road is FULL with runners all the time!). My heart hurts because I miss it so much. My forced break has made me discover why running is so important tot me. When I first started running, I was just doing it because I could, not out of love. The feeling you get when you train for a race and then cross the finishline was a bonus. But when I first started running, I ran by myself. Initially I ran listening to music but I quickly grew tired of my music. After that, I started running with just my thoughts. Let me back up further, 

I got married when I was 19. I was in love and the time was right, but I was young. We got pregnant right away, our oldest being born 10 days early on our nine-month wedding anniversary. We didn't want too big a break between our children so we had our children close. Our oldest went to kindergarten two weeks after our baby was born. I do not regret any of my decisions. I stand by them. However, somewhere during becoming a wife and then mother to four children, I lost me. I was so busy being a mom and taking care of my family, I didn't know who I was anymore. I was unsure of my likes, my dreams, my goals. Fast forward a couple of years to my hours and miles of training. I found me. I re-discovered me and my likes and my goals. I was amazed to discover that my goals had changed from the last time I had really taken the time to evaluate my goals. When I was younger, "fun" and "run" would never have been associated with each other. Now they were synonomis. 

Because I found myself running, and I liked who I found, I have held so tightly to it. These last five months have been so difficult.  I have cried and pouted and been slightly depressed.  But re-evaluating why I run has ignited a fire within me and a deep desire to fight and fight hard.  I will continue to fight to keep myself running and thankfully, my physical therapist and ASTYM will eventually get me back. 

Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you a chasng your dreams and goals and I look forward to you coming back again soon. 

It's been too long!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written!  I knew it had been awhile, I just didn't realize how long it had been. I should probably start wth the St. George Marathon. It was awesome!  I've never felt so amazing during a race, clear through to the finish. My husband and I set a tentative goal of a 3:45 finish. We knew what our pace had to be to accomplish that goal and for the first 7ish miles we were actually ahead of that pace. Just over mile 7 is the biggest hill in the marathon. I could have kept running but my husband wanted to walk most of it so we did. We lost about a minute and a half of our pace going up that hill but I wasn't too worried. We were still ahead of our goal. Just like you would expect a marathon to do, it slowly wore my husband down. Our pace gradually slowed. I was carefully watching my Garmin and I didn't want my husband to be disappointed with his finish so I continued to encourage and sometimes push. I could tell he was getting right on the edge of his breaking point as we approached mile 23. I had too much left in my tank to slow down so we parted ways. I ran just over 7 minute miles for the last three miles. No one passed me and it felt so good to just let loose. I finished around 3:50 and my husband came in a few minutes behind me. We met up after and walked back up the course to meet a friend who was running her first mararton and came in with her. Overall, St. George was a great marathon. 

After the marathon, i started training for a 50 mile race in January. I trained for two weeks and decided I had tendonitis in my Achillis so I would take a few weeks off and let it heal. After a few weeks, my Achillis was healed but I realized I had tendonitis in my peroneal tendon. I stopped my long runs. When I didn't heal, I cut out my interval runs and hill repeats and started doing them on the elliptical. I still didn't heal so I cut out intervals on the elliptical and started pool running. Weeks turned into months and I decided to have an x-ray and see my doctor. I was afraid I had done something more serious than tendonitis. No stress fracture, yay!  My doctor suggested a podiatrist and a cortisone shot. I was reluctant because podiatrists are notorious for saying stop running. I found one who is a runner and got my cortisone shot. Ouch!  After about 4-5 days, it was apparent that the cortisone shot didn't work. At that point I was devastated. Running means so much to me. It is part of how I define who I am. I don't know how to be me without running. It's my outlet. Everytime I would see someone out running I was so jealous. It literally hurt my heart and left me wanting to cry. I continued to take it easy. About a week and a half ago, I decided it was time for physical therapy. I went for the first time on Wednesday. My therapist did a therapy called ASTYM and I have hope. After one treatment, I actually think I'm starting to heal. More time will tell but I have hope. 

I have a lot going on this year. I have Boston in April. I was supposed to do the Red Mountain 50K also in April but it's two days before Boston and we'll already be there. I've been asked to do the bike leg of the St. George Ironman 70.3. I want to do the Utah Valley Marathon but I won't decide for sure until after Boston and I feel how that goes. I would like to do the Bryce Canyon Half since I've never done it. I've got Napa Valley Ragnar in September (an ultra team) and then St. George in October. I need to heal and I feel like I really will now. 

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. I hope to be better.  I hope you are reaching your fitness goals. Please let me know if you have any questions and I'll catch you agan next time. 

Updates!

So school being out does not do wonders for keeping my blog current. Obviously, neither does moving. Anyway, hopefully this will bring us current. Our ultra team for running the Napa Valley Ragnar relay opted to defer our registration to next year. It was sad but we figured it worked best for our team. 

I ran a 10K for the 4th of July. I have done well at this race several times and I was hoping to possibly PR. The race started and I was up toward the front. Sadly, I forgot my Garmin so I wasn't sure what my pace was. Just shy of a mile in, my shoelace came untied. Up to that point, there were only 2 people in front of my. I had to stop to tie my shoelace and in those short 10 seconds, 3 people passed me. I was able to overtake all of them but one guy just kind of sat on my shoulder. On this course there is really only one hill. It's decent and you go down it run a bit, turn around and then run back up it. On the down, the guy running right behind me passed me. I didn't really worry because I know I'm strong running uphill. At the turn around I was able to know for sure that there were only 4 runners ahead of me, 3 guys and a girl. I was happy to think I was in the top 5. When we got back to the hill, I just kept moving. I pushed it a little because I could tell the guy right in front of me wasn't as strong as me. I passed him just passed the crest of the hill. I was feeling good and knew I could hold him off to the finish, especially when we hit the 5 mile mark. He would surge a little every once in a while but I met his challenge every time. I crossed the finish line in just over 43 minutes, a new 10K PR!  I was the 4th finisher overall and the 2nd female. I'm pretty sure that I helped the guy behind me have a great run too. 

Right now, I've just been keeping my long runs at 15 miles. I figure the build for the St. George Marathon will be easier if I just stay up around 15. Then the build is simply 4 weeks long. That's the only thing I have planned for now. I'm sure I'll pick a few more runs up only the way. 

I hope things are going well out there. Thanks for checking in and come back again soon!

St. Goerge Marathon 2011, pushing Mom

Several years ago my brother, sister-in-law and I were running. I know, wow, we were running. Anyway, my brother got the idea to push our mom from start to finish in the St. George Marathon. He wanted to get all of our siblings together to do this. I loved the idea and we moved forward in putting this idea into motion. I have six siblings and not all of them are runners but we figured that if we gave everyone enough time, they could all be ready. Sadly, I figured someone would probably be pregnant so not everyone could do this. When it came time to sign up for the marthon, not everyone was on board but we did have my brother, two sisters, my sister-in-law, and me. We contacted the marathon and asked for permission then set to work looking for a chair to push her in. It required much dedication and some pestering, but we got permission to push my mom. My grandma found us a sponsor and my sister found the chair. My Team Triumph is an amazing organization that sets "captains" (physically disabled people) up with chairs and "angels" (able bodied runner). They set us up with a chair and Robert J. DeVry sponsored the shipment of the chair.

We got the chair about a week before the marathon. Two days before the marathon we went for a run pushing my mom. We didn't get her centered in the chair and the chair pulled to the side all 5 miles. After that run, I was really worried about the marathon. I should probably mention that this was one sister's very first marathon. Race morning the weather was a little warmer than we had hope for. My mom has MS, which is why she is wheelchair bound and she cannot sweat. If she gets too hot, she just melts and it takes hours to cool her back down and it just wipes her out for the rest of the day. The beginning of the marathon is always kind of crazy. It takes a few miles to find your place where you are pacing the same as the people around you. With that running wheelchair, it was a little crazier. That was the most incredible marathon I have ever run. We would pass people or people would pass us and they always had a comment. So many people were inspired and thought what we were doing was so amazing. My mom's reaction was the best. If she was able, I know she would have run a marathon with us. We were simply able to do for her what she couldn't do. She has seen the marathon from a helicopter and loved that experience but right in the thick of the running crowd is an entirely different experience. 

Because of the weather, we had to leave the sister who was running her first marathon. After we got Mom to the finish line, my brother, sister and I went back for the other sister. We had shirts made up for us because we wanted people to know why we were doing this. As we passed people going back up the marathon, so many people told us that what we did was so amazing. I had no idea that we had had that effect on people. Our goal was simply to give Mom the marathon experience. We were able to do that but we got so much more. Hands down, that was my most memorable and favorite marathon. 

Thanks for checking in with me and come back again soon. 

Boston Marathon II

Haha. I bet you thought there was no way I would be back so soon. Here I am. I'm writing today because I just finished reading the July edition of Runner's World magazine. They have devoted about 70 pages to the Boston Marathon. Other than the plane ride from Boston to Minneapolis the day after the marathon, I haven't spoken to anyone about Boston that was adtually there except my husband and we really haven't talked about it much since that first week.  Reading those first-hand experiences was, I don't know. Perhaps I should advise right here that if you haven't seen the Runner's World for July, beware that it is graphic. There are several pictures of the finish line shortly after the bombings and of people who we injured. Those pictures are graphic. That being said, the magazine is worth the read. Those stories needed to be shared. They surfaced feelings though that I didn't realize I still had. Don't get me wrong. I am mostly okay. I have moved on. There is still part of me that is not okay. I don't know. That part of me may never be okay. It may always be an open wound. It may scab over. I have no idea what my next race will be like for me. Even though I have already run another race since 

Boston, I think it may have been too soon to know what it will really be like for me. Only time will tell. 

I was robbed of the opportunity to cross the finish line of my first Boston Marathon. I was stuck just short of Mass. Ave. for more than an hour as we waited for the BAA to come let us know what we needed to do and go and expect. I never got to turn onto Boylston and hear the roar of the crowds as they cheer me and my fellow runners through the finish line. I missed the climax of my experience to Boston. I was cheated and I am still struggling with it. I had feelings that I am ashamed of. I was frustrated and angry that I didn't get to finish the race. I wanted to know if I would still get a medal. I wanted to know if the BAA would allow me to come back next year without qualifying. Reading 

Runner's World made me feel better. Many runners felt those same feelings that I felt. And they too felt guilty about it. 

Boston was an amazing race. It was a beautiful day and seriously fun. Right up to the time we got stopped less than a mile from the finish line, I was having a wonderful time and I was so glad we made the trip to Boston. I echo the sentiment of someone (I really wish I knew who it was!) who said that bombing the Boston Marathon was a bad idea. The picked the wrong group of people. Runners are used to adversity. We run through it. We are used to pain. Runners are strong, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. We will be back next year an we will be stronger than ever. 

Thanks for listening to me rant and ramble on. Thanks for checking in with me and check back again soon. 

50 miles? Ready, set, . . .STOP!

So you may be wondering, maybe not, how our 50 mile run went. The short answer, it didn't. Our last training runs I think I told you about them. Ryan was sick so we didn't go as far. By the next day, my brother's knee was bothering him. He knows everything about evereything so when he wasn't sore the  first day but really sore the next, he started worrying. After some at home testing, he started thinking that his original idea that he injured a ligament may have been wrong and that he was healing. We postponed the run for about a week and a half. After some rough days at work, my brother decided it was time to see a doctor. Last week he saw one and he told my brother he is pretty sure he tore his miniscus. That means surgery. They've ordered an MRI but we know that's what it is. I won't go 50 by myself unless it's in a race. It's just too far to go alone. So, needless to say, the 50 is off. I can't figure any way to do it. That really frustrates me but it is the way it is. 

I ought to add here that we have purchased a new home and sold our home so I have been busy trying to get ready for the move. That's the reason I haven't recently posted and will probably be sporadic over the next few weeks. I promise that once we get settled I will be better about posting. I'll write about when we pushed my mom in the marathon and my son's first half marathon. 

I hope everything is going well for everyone out there. Thanks for checking in with me and come back soon!